A few weeks ago, I told my SIL that I finally felt like the thing I had been called to do so long ago, the thing that I was so sure that I had screwed up, could still come to pass someday. I no longer felt that I had just completely missed my calling and had no chance of ever fulfilling Gods will for my life. I was so happy that after 10 years of feeling so lost, I now felt hope for the future as far as my life meaning something for God and His work.
Within a matter of days, I suddenly felt so overwhelmed with life. My kids were acting extra crazy, every time I turned around someone had found something to put in their hair or they came out of the room naked as a jay bird (and you know that if one toddler does it, the second is sure to quickly follow suite). It all went from funny, to crazy and then to horribly stressful- bring me to tears type of days! This was not the normal for me, I could laugh off just about anything but now I wanted to just walk away and take a deep breath, alone! I only found relief when I could have a moment to daydream a little about the possibilities of the future that I felt I could once again see. I couldn’t wait to get back to work Monday, sure I felt guilty for it, but I couldn’t wait to drop those heathens off at the sitter and get to work to sit in silence and just do my thing.
Monday came.. but before two hours had passed, I was so irritated with my co-workers and job that I couldn’t stand it. The kids were crazy, house was a mess, the job horrible. I was ready to quit, move somewhere, do something new, find that great fulfillment in life. What was wrong with me? Why was I feeling so overwhelmed and miserable all of the sudden? I complained to my husband and friends over text and email then put in my earbuds trying to drown out the chaos around me.
All the sudden, sitting at my desk I began to realize that I’ve been so overwhelmed lately because I want all these things right now… Tears began to fill my eyes because I want fulfillment in my life now.. fulfillment in ministry right now. I want that calling I felt so long ago to become reality in my life. I want this future that I see in my head and am just realizing is still possible, I want it now! I had been unsatisfied and basically avoiding everything I could, making myself and probably everyone around me miserable, just not being content in the present.
I’ve been so wrapped up in “when the time comes” that I can’t stand the time I’m in!
I felt so convicted and relived at the same time. Nothing was wrong with me, this I could deal with because now I know how to pray!
Lord help me to be content in my present while waiting for my future. Help me to cherish these crazy moments with my kids, reminding myself that they grow up all to quickly. Help me to work hard at this job and be wise to prepare for that future I’m praying for. To be happy where I am, to soak it all in and learn from the elders that won’t be here forever. Help me to serve the purpose of the season I’m in right now while I wait for my calling to find me. To be faithful in the small things and trust that you are working in the big. To be thankful that not only did you call me all those years ago, but that you have found fit to call again. Help me to know your voice and be ready when the time comes but most of all, Lord help me to want you more than the calling.